if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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