Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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