I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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