i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
