Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Randomize
