dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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