I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
