my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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