When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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