You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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