i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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