Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
