Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
