I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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