maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
