at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
