walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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