anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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