There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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