I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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