don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
