she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
