I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
