I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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