Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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