We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
