I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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