I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
