my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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