I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
