Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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