Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
