That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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