Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
