Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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