theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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