My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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