Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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