You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
it wasn't lemon gatorade
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
