Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
