if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
