people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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