ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Come on in and take your pants off
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