cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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