I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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