just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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