I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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