so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
