Non-Jews are for practice
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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