Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
