Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
