This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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