I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
what is it with giant penises always finding me
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
