I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
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