we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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