Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
