guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
