hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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