I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
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