I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
