Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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