Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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